A Safe Place

[ashlimccall]

I'm Ashli McCall, and I terminated my first pregnancy in the second trimester due to HG. I didn't want to do it, but a decade ago resources like hyperemesis.org and the book Beyond Morning Sickness didn't exist. My medical care was poor, and after dropping 14% of my total body weight (and counting), turning yellow, and hallucinating for the first time in my life, my husband and I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand HG or know that anything could be done about it, because virtually nothing was being done for me. The doctor sent me to the lock-in mental facility. The lock-in mental facility sent me to the doctor. No one would help, and we were scared. I was falling through the cracks. Not knowing where else to go, we turned to the last option we thought we had: abortion.

That was nearly eleven years ago, and we have regretted that choice every day of our lives. I wish I'd had the information in my book, because that pregnancy would have ended very differently. But it is what it is, and parts of me have accepted it. I have not gotten over it, but I have gotten on with it.

I appreciate being able to talk about the experience, because for a very alienating period of time I thought I was alone. Over a decade ago, when I came out publicly with the HG-related termination, I discovered very quickly that I was NOT alone. That discovery is what prompted me to write a book about HG; I never wanted another expectant mother to feel forced to terminate a pregnancy she did not want to terminate.

There are others out there who have traveled this road and want or even need to connect with others like them. HG sufferers who have terminated or who are considering it write fairly regularly. I'd like for this area of the forums to be a safe place for these sufferers to go. That being said, this is not the place for the abortion debate. Neither is it the place for condemnation. It is also not the place for abortion/anti-abortion cheerleading. Those things will get a post booted in a New York minute.

I want people to be able to come and talk about what happened to them and how they feel about their own personal experience, because it's theirs, and I believe that everyone is allowed to have her own perspective about that, even if it's one that someone else may not share. Different people, different posts, and hopefully, support for all.

Let's try.

[kayla cliffton]

my name is kayla. i found myself in the same situation in the third month of my pregnancy. i was a 170 lb. 17 yr old growing girl. i dropped 40 lbs in 2 months. in the third month of my pregnancy, i found out i was pregnant. soon after i was so sick i couldnt keep water down for over a week. i felt like i was dying. i had thoughts that this was how the whole pregnancy would be. i felt so worn down.my boyfriend didnt want me to keep the baby. no one else knew. until i was so sick my mom took me to the hospital. i couldnt get out of bed. then when everyone found out, i was so overwhelmed and so sick that i coudnt think straight. i was so sick and desperate....the sickness continued... i couldnt take one more day of it. i had an abortion. vomitting the whole way there, i was so desperate and sad. i cried all the while waiting to be put to sleep. i didnt want to. but i couldnt turn back, my body was already forcing a misscariage because of the pills i had taken. that was the worst day of my life. january 17th 2008, i robbed the world of my unborn child.the world lost a part of me. i lost a part of me. i wish i would have known i wasnt the only one. i feel so selfish, so alone. i can barely live with myself. everything in my life went on a downward spiral. im still spiralling.i dont want others to be like me. make my mistake. learn from this tragic ending. you ARE NOT alone. thank you Ashli McCall. you inspire me. i hope i can only cope as well as you have....

*kayla*

[ashlimccall]

Kayla, you are not alone. Grown women with all the support in the world have a difficult time dealing with this disease. You were 17, and perhaps needed more support. Social and medical support and degree of HG symptom severity can affect the outcome of a pregnancy. It sounds like you didn't get a lot of medical support until you were already "behind the 8 ball," and it also sounds like you may have been somewhat pressured by your social supports to abort. If your choice to have the baby was not supported it would be very difficult, especially in your condition, to see that pregnancy through. Support is crucial.

I am terribly sorry for your loss. It will change. Time will quell the sting in many ways. I never got over it, but I did get on with it. You will smile and laugh again. It will take time, but you will.

If you are having trouble dealing with this loss on your own, may I suggest Rachel's Vineyard (rachelsvineyard.org)? Perhaps you can find support there that does not seek to diminish your pain by diminishing the reality of your child or your loss.

Finally, I would like to send you a free, postage-paid copy of Beyond Morning Sickness: Battling Hyperemesis Gravidarum. If you would like one, please email me privately with your address.

(((Kayla)))
Hang in there. You can get through this. Feel free to write anytime.

Ashli

[Martita]

So what do I do with the feelings of wanting to end a pregnancy I don't want to end. I am 18 weeks and I feel like I am done. I went to the doctor today and it was more upsetting than helpful. I see the doctor weekly, I have a PICC line and I'm on TPN. I don't feel good, I rarely feel good, and I feel like I can't go on like this. Nothing seems to be helping, I can't even keep water down these days. Though my husband is extremely supportive and helpful I feel like I can't even tell him that I feel like I am DONE. I am frustrated, upset, tired and sad all at once and I don't know what else to do.

Martita

[Jenny]

My name is Jenny Robertson, and I also terminated a pregnancy due to HG. It was twins, in week 10, in 1997. I'm allergic to Compazine (jerky spasms) and Phenergen (rash), so the only treatment then was home IV. I had 3 dogs in a small house, with a boyfriend of only 3 months. I didn't see an actual doctor until the day of my abortion--early pregnancy care is designed to keep you away from doctors, I think.

The abortion took a big toll on out relationship, but he and I now have a happy, goofy, 8-year old boy. I still think about the abortion from time to time, and how different my life would be with twins. I'm grateful for what I have, and that I lived through the second pregnancy. It also nearly killed me several times, but that part of my life is in the past. Life does go on, and is full of changes.

Jenny