by michelleparsons on Thu Mar 12, 2009 6:04 pm
Hello, I just finished reading your book. WOW. I didnt realise how deep some of my feelings were buried until they resurfaced and I am not sure how to deal with them. Has anyone got any suggestions or experienced similar resurgances?
I find I have a total conflict between feelings of love for my loved ones and feelings of abandonment and anger at what happened with the HG. My workmates, mother in law and most of my family were unsupportive and thought I had to tough it out, or stop harming myself and the baby. This I could cope with, because my husband supported me through the first pregnancy and I had plenty of rest, and my first birth was beautiful with two of the best midwifes I could have hoped for.
My second pregnancy hit hard. The HG was much worse and my eldest daughter was 14 months old and a very active toddler. My husband worked shifts and I would spend most days lying on the sofa with my daughter on the floor next to me, playing a jigsaw or watching Tv because it was the only interaction I could cope with in between vomitting. On bad days, she would have sandwiches or crisps or biscuits, but then I would feel guilty and force myself to cook her a dinner, all the while heaving into a sick bowl in the kitchen. Bedtimes were torture because reading made the HG worse so I would have to break off 3 times to vomit in the space of 20 minutes and each time she would take longer to settle. I was hospitalised twice and I started to emotionally disconnect. My husband worked his shifts or went out with friends. By this time I couldn't stand any smells, not even him, so he barely got a cuddle without me having to vomit again. I felt so alone. I was unlucky enough to get a horrible midwife for the birth. I had no prostin pains when being induced with my first, as the midwife had used only 1mg first time then 2, to prevent this. I mentioned this to her and she said I was talking rubbish and would have 2 lots of 2. Lo and behold hours of excruciating pain with my womb clamping in all directions. I begged to be let into labour suite as my contractions got closer, but the midwife refused to believe they were as close as I said and sent me to the bath. After having 3 contractions in 2 minutes my husband ran for a midwife, who saw me have another 2 in a shorter time and panicked. I was 7cm dilated and had no pain relief. The midwife at labour suite told me she would break my waters and give me pethidine, but I had said in my birth plan I didnt want that. She disregarded it, said they were busy and she couldnt have me taking up space for hours. The pain hit me like a brick wall when the waters were gone but she rationed my gas and air saying I would be sick and I got no relief from it. Finally I blacked out. When I came to I was floating above myself looking at the scene. I was screaming, struggling, a midwife on each leg holding me down because I wanted to get away from the pain and couldnt push. My husband stood by the side of the bed shocked. The next six months were like walking through sludge. I loved my baby, sang to her, cuddled her, fed her, but I was an empty shell and felt suicidal. She was easily stressed and still is now and I felt like I had failed her and my eldest daughter in every way. Added to that, every time my husband tried to intiate sex my whole body would freeze and it was like my essence would be forced out above the whole scene to look on at what he was doing (he was very gentle so I am not suggesting any abuse which would warrant this reaction) It freaked me out and I went to therapy. We touched on the HG, but I had issues with a past boyfriend and uncle who had molested my mum, so it was put down to that.
Stupidly, 18 months later, my husband and I got carried away without using protection, and conceived my son. I now feel so blessed to have all my kids and dont view any as a mistake, but then all I could see is how irresponsible we were, compounded by the fact our families were both saying the same thing. I felt I had to apologise for the pregnancy and justify it to everyone we told. My husband got a promotion and his shifts got longer. Again we dropped into the pattern of him at work or out with friends and I felt so alone. I had to get the eldest to school every day and would be violently sick on the way there. The school hauled me in saying my eldest daughter had behavioural problems and I would have to get them sorted or they would get outside agencies involved. I felt a failure. It took all the strength I had to cook them a meal, get clean clothes and get her to school. They were fully aware of the HG but had no compassion or understanding. I had tried to shield my daughters from the Hg by sneaking to the bathroom and locking the door, but after the first couple of times, they screamed hysterically at the sound of me ill and demanded to be let in, so I then put a brave face on whenever I was sick, and told them I had a poorly tummy but not to worry. They would argue with each other and it soon became apparent that leaving them downstairs to vomit was not an option and I would have to do it downstairs so I could still make sure they were safe. They started to imitate me and would pull bowls out of the cupboard to pretend to be sick into. This horrified my mother in law, whose attitude was 'look at the effect its having on them' The low point was before I was hospitalised for the first of three visits. My husband had booked a trip to Amsterdam with friends. He asked if I wanted him to stay, but he was already packed and I felt trapped. I lay on the bedroom floor with my two daughters feeling like I would pass out. Even his friend asked if he should be going because I looked so bad. As he left for the airport I sobbed for half an hour, then relented and called him back saying I couldnt take any more. He came back and said if I was that bad he was driving me straight to hospital. I waited for a bed in ER for 12 hours with no food or water, constantly vomitting, whilst people stared into the cubicle, and apologising for ruining his trip. I felt so abandoned, did I mean so little to him? The nurse came, said they had a bed, injected me with Metachlopramide and sent my husband away. While she was wheeling me up, she said, 'if things are this bad every time, why have3? why not get sterilised, you've done it to yourself.' It was 2am and I cried myself to sleep. The doctor the next morning refused any more injections (which were the only thing that temporarily stopped the vomitting but not the nausea so I could eat) saying I was being hysterical and the tablets would be fine. I vomitted all day and the headaches came back. By 7pm I was curled up with my head in my hands. The girl in the opposite bed remarked to her mum how unfair it was that everyone was throwing drugs at me when she'd had to throw up for two weeks with nothing. I was so angry but had no energy to confront her and cried silently so noone could hear. It was particularly bad luck because my husband could not visit that day because there was noone to watch my two daughters. I disconnected totally for the rest of the pregnancy, pasting on a smile and carrying on but I was dead inside and my husband complained it was like living with a zombie. I felt so weak and at 39 weeks, whilst on my way to a midwife's appointment, I tripped into the road and sprained my ankle. I went into labour that night. I was so scared of hospitals by this point I had arranged a home birth. My son was posterior and it was so much more painful. I dilated only 1cm every 3 hours and the gas and air ran out. At 6 cm they insisted on runnng a bath and my daughter woke to hear me moaning. I will never forgive myself for doing that to her. I was bleeding and had a large clot and passed out. When I came round there were paramedics around me waiting to get me on the stretcher, but my son turned at that moment and pushed out. I immediately went into shock, but they calmed me down and cleaned me up and sent me upstairs. Those first few days were so nice being at home, I cherish them. My daughters came to see the new baby in the morning and I cried from sheer relief. We decided three months after giving birth that my husband would be sterilised to prevent any more accidents. I could not do it again to me or my family and refused to have sex with him until he was given the all clear, I was so terrified.
I know logically that noone has a manual telling them how to deal with HG. I love my family but I feel so abandoned by them and I cant reconcile the two feelings so I can move on. All I feel I can do is stuff them back down again, which will benefit noone in the long run. Where do I go from here? I dont know.
I hope this post doesnt seem ungrateful, I am so blessed that you had the kindness to send the book. I finally felt normal and could relate to so much. I also apologise if it seems like I am dumping this on your lap. If this causes you extra pain or stress, please feel free to leave the email where it is, I dont want to aggravate anyone's suffering. I just have noone other than HG survivors who will talk. Everytime I broach it with my husband or family they clam up and act as though I am raking the past up for sympathy. I just want closure, to deal and move on. Maybe thats possible, maybe not, who knows.
But seriously, I've been through HG 4 times, and in those pregnancies I've experienced 1 related abortion, a miscarriage, tons of drugs, 4 PICC lines, complications with PICC lines, infections, an incompetent cervix, an insane amount of bedrest (about 30 weeks in each of the 2 full term pregnancies), as little as no vomiting on my best days and over 40 separate emetic episodes a day on my worst days (no, I don't count heaves), mistreatment in the hospital, home health care, medicine pumps, TPN, extended stays in the hospital (>1 month), insults from co-workers, medical staff, family members, support from strangers, physician changes, curses from below, blessings from above, etc.! So while I can't give you medical advice, chances are I can tell you what I did in a given situation, and I might be able to provide a clearer picture of a treatment concept you may have a question about. Also, with the combined experiences of all the moms out there, someone's bound to have great info to share. This entire web site is solely for informational purposes only, and nothing on any of the pages here should be considered as a substitute for seeking professional advice or medical care. If I don't know the answer to a query, and the other moms don't either, I'll sure as shootin' try to find it for you! So ask away! And always, always consult your doctor.
